masquerade; paper faces on parade

Monday, January 30, 2006

Second day of Chinese New Year
Just back from run… Eh can’t really help it since I did supper with Adrian, Biyu, Wen Ting and the twins.

Never really a big fan of the Chinese New Year, it just means that shops are closed, everywhere is jam packed and they play the same music over and over again but yea it is indeed a good time of the year to see friends and family you probably don’t see for the rest of the year. The red packets help too, not that I am really needy for money but yea probably use it to change my phone (you won’t believe the condition of my current phone after one and a half years under my care)

Friday – the last day of Internship
The last day of my internship and I really was a bit overwhelmed especially when I was handing out chocolates to them. I really can’t think of what else to get them and after talking to a few friends, I decided to heed Angela’s suggestion about chocolates. Lucky I didn’t get curry puffs – one of the assistant directors is a vegetarian

Although I had complained a fair bit about how quiet the office was in my first two weeks there, I have really grown to enjoy working with the people there and that I really appreciate them giving me real work to do. No guarding of data room, no photocopying…

A few of my colleagues were actually quite nice and I was actually quite touched by their gestures; some offered references and one to look out for opportunities. I mean even if they were just saying, it was still a nice gesture. At least I know I must have done more right than wrong during the stint

Tomorrow – New Year visit
Will be going out with Smiley group on a house visiting trip tomorrow and over to Margaret’s place for an Assumption (or rather just 4 Science) gathering.

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Friday, January 27, 2006

Posting here a story that I have read a couple of times the past few days. It is even on some of my friends’ MSN as a nick but somehow I don’t quite agree

Tree
===
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Over time
I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U.

There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding +charm. She is just a very ordinary gal. I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness, like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility.

Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt
her.

I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watched me chase after gals, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.

She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what caused her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.

My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them
quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type who will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes were filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laughed & joked with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that he's very hurt but she didn't know that my heartache is as bad as hers.

When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.

I can't show her my heartache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heartache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.

During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then.

It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf
=====
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy.

Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt

a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be described by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal. I like him & I know he like me.

But why won't he pursue me?

Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt.

I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like me, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out.

You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?

Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.

Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me.

Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree.

In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small
footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay.

Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

Wind
======
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind.

A wind that will blow her away

When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.

One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her.

Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepted the note.

The next day, she appeared & passed me a note and left.

Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away. It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It’s because leaf never want to leave tree. I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me.

Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over.

I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her.

Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?"

She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell.

Some after thoughts
So did leaf and wind get together because leaf really felt something for wind or is it because of the relentless pursuing

So if tree have asked, would wind and leave not be the same as they would be

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No call from Fortis yet

Maybe I should have just redone the form… and not asked alpha maps to re-use the one I used for HSBC…

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Just got my pay check

Sure feels good, even as an intern. I guess one can’t really ask for too much right?

Had it not for my not so frugal life style – maybe graduation trip could have been much longer even with more destination.

Chinese New Year eve is tomorrow
That’s fast, isn’t it? Time to sit back and enjoy the once a year gambling sessions. Haha

Day before today - School
Was back yesterday for lessons and the P&G dinner, and it sure was a good one and that after three years in school, the girls sure look better or I must have been cutting way too much classes

It sure is nice to see so many familiar faces but then again it just as nauseating to see those you don’t feel like seeing…

The overseas case team has been formed or so I heard but why wasn’t I surprised. Talk about a fundamental error in doing something with people you don’t really know well but I guess sticking around to finished my work during the internship felt more right

Day before yesterday – Can’t remember much
Talked with Denise

Felt nice to catch up after so long

Erm, my fault actually for misplacing the phone card…

Told me that Morocco is a place I must not missed when going to Europe and suggested UK down to France followed by Spain, Italy and Morocco

Even suggested I fly down to UK from the States saying that tickets now are probably as cheap as US$250, inclusive of tax but then again May prices would be so different.

Unless… Unless by a stroke of luck, I strike lottery, Toto or any investment bank take me in before then….

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Some thoughts
For those who don’t quite understand the poem, One Art, maybe you can take a look at http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/639.html . There are some comments made by various readers

I guess that’s where the beauty about literature lies – everyone can have different interpretations to one piece.

Personal thoughts:
“Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied” seems to suggest that it is never easy to get over a loss and that she has never really mustered the art, especially when it comes to losing someone that mattered

Can’t wait to go back to school tomorrow though I probably will not know what the tutor is going through again

I have started applying to some banks and am keeping my fingers crossed for a second stint in IB again…

Talking about IB, heard Ze Han telling me about this guy who was doing operations at UBS was at some dinner saying that he is doing IB. That’s as much as having some administrative staff telling others he or she is a banker…

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Movie Review – In her shoes
Go watch the show – it is worth the money so

In the show, Maggie Feller (Cameron Diaz) stars as an irresponsible, practically illiterate alcoholic who sleeps around or steals to get by in the world.

Her sister, Rose Feller (Toni Collette) is a self-conscious, workaholic lawyer who is dating her boss and indulges in her one passion, fashionable dress shoes

In other words, they share nothing in common but the same size feet.

The story goes on to depict the relation between this pair of sisters and how eventually Maggie managed to get back on track to lead a decent life. Many nice moments in the show like the scene whereby the blind man was trying to get Maggie to read the poem, One Art (she has dyslexia and have trouble reading)

Another favorite scene is where at the wedding of Rose, Maggie read the poem, I carry your heart with me. (I have listed both poems as I personally find them quite nice)

I carry your heart with me

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart ( I carry it in my heart)

- E.E. Cummings

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

- Elizabeth Bishop

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Tuesday, two more days to the end of Investment Banking internship
Still hard at work researching…

Really should take a good break now that I am into my final semester and having packed on so many activities and modules in the prior semesters but I will still have to start reading up on all the chapters that I have missed so far.

Will really start serious applications for jobs and not take interviews lightly again…
Looking back, those times that I was late for my interviews were dumb and I probably shouldn’t have done so.

Graduation Trip conclusion
Was quite pissed on Sunday over graduation trip plans. Never saw the point in visiting Australia; not in winter at least and the way I see it and anyway so many of them have been there.

As much as I agree going on a graduation trip is about having fun with a group of friends, there was no way I was going to spend money visiting some place that I have no interest in and that the reason I should be considering it is because other people want to.

Was quite pissed when asked to give a decision that day and about how much the trip to Europe would cost and blah blah that I shouldn’t be just listening to what other people say. Isn’t the cost estimate of Australia based on hearsay too? And why does it seem that finding out the cost of a ticket to Australia require superhuman effort?

Anyway yea, Europe should be my final destination with Spain, Italy and France the countries I am likely going to visit and maybe Holland and some of the other eastern countries if time and money allows. Now that I am going with just another friend or two, I think I will set aside more to travel and just enjoy myself before work or in the worse case scenario, job search again

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Friday, January 20, 2006

Just ran… probably will take some time for me to fall zzz so here I am penning some thoughts.

Dragonfly – More like a Housefly
Didn’t get the dragonfly internship but why ain’t I the least bit upset over it?

Maybe because I probably wouldn’t have wanted to commit six months to some crap firm; I have not always been accurate in my assessment of things but yeah, the way I see it, the internship with Dragonfly was a total crap deal. Haha, apparently doing an intern for ops at UBS night shift pays up to 1.6K? Hahaha

You get paid something like SGD$400 a month for six months to do shit for them (though I probably have to agree you will be able to pick up some stuff from it) and they don’t even have a proper office (working from a service apartment in Somerset) and the analysts there thinks they are big f#*K and was totally rude... (At least one of them were la – Told me in such a foul manner that she had a long day. Period. Damned #@#@ I have long everydays and still had to go back to my office) and it is no as if I was exactly dying to work for them…

It is like you pay peanuts and you get monkeys kind of theory
US$250 a month? They must be joking and they claim to be an international consulting firm with offices in NY and here. They must still think they are running some kind of slave trade and the two co-founders probably fly business class month in and month out, eating caviar as they suck the life out of the poor interns. Hahaha

Honestly, and not because of any sour grapes, even if they do offer me I probably will not take it. I mean my current bank is paying me well enough (Dragonfly’s offer seems obscene in comparison) and I probably will opt for a tour in Europe (or Australia) to really enjoy myself before entering the workforce and I am getting to look at some modeling at my bank now.

School – Thursday
Was back in school today; first time in a long while and it really feels different. There is so much more life there than in my office but then again you can’t compare the two. They are like durians and strawberries (not even apples and oranges)

Met L brothers for FYP albeit it being a short one (OK – Its my fault that I have a one day week but at least I have done work K…).

Past few days
Can’t really recall what I did… Anyway internship is really coming to an end… Damned @!#!#

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Monday, January 16, 2006

Today
Just had a power failure, and with that some twenty minutes of data and information I was on went pfommp~!

Thank goodness I wasn’t doing my final year project or my internship report just then.

The analyst just told me he might need help and asked if I could stay late… well… what can I say? Haha. I can’t just leave him there to die can I? Otherwise he probably still be in office at three? Ok… I am exaggerating…

The day before today – Chalet gathering and Pre CNY gambling
Chalet over at Costa Sand Down Town East over at Wild Wild Wet… and I mean they probably should change their name or something. Liqin, Brenda and Yanru lost their way getting to the chalet.

Liqin’s case however has probably nothing to do with the name of the chalet. I mean how can you think that it is over at East Coast Park?

We gave Adrian a quick lesson in Black Jack and he had to pay for it. In less than twenty minutes or so, he has lost over $13 despite the stakes being capped at $1 and Hanwei probably was the one who walked away with his losses. Haha

Saturday
The interview was ok, but I didn’t realise that I had to pre register 20 minutes before the scheduled time so I was technically late for my Citibank interview – again. [The first was for IPB]

You should so have seen the guy who was after me man! Damned spoil market with his blazer and suitcase! Next time I probably should get Hanwei and Adrian to go with me as my bodyguards or kah kiahs

Was one of those sian days but eventually got over it. I guess it is the after effects of too little sleep in just too many days. Was really stoned the night before and just can’t be bothered with what Zehan or the rest of saying. Yeah, even men have PMS like syndromes…

Met Angela before going over to Far East to find Hanwei and Adrian and get my haircut at Hollywood Secrets.

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Friday, January 13, 2006

The last day of internship not
Met Hanwei and Adrian and I will probably see them tomorrow and on Sunday again…

Today is quite a sian day…

Getting a stiff neck from all the hours sitting in front of my terminal… and today will probably be yet another late night again and there’s the interview tomorrow…

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

I am so f$#king tired. Ya… I probably deserved it

Just recalled in the morning that I have got a Citibank interview scheduled this Saturday morning but I have promised to go down to MOS this Friday. Sians….

But life ain’t so bad after all. Learnt this morning that my internship has been extended for 2 more weeks!

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PARTY TIME!!!!
It’s 3.48 and I am just back from Zouk and it was probably one of the better nights out despite Zouk being unusually empty it must have been the rain if not for MOS and as Brenda’s friend Faz would put it – Zouk’s being raped by MOS!)

Finally met Brenda and the twin’s friend Cheng Hua and yeah he really is an interesting character and a few of her friends. It was my first time in the VIP area after the renovation and yeah it was more fun just monkeying around up there then being down at the dance floor.

Now – I am just absofuckinlutely shag and yeah I still got wake up for work in like say 3 hours? Haha… I am so dead!

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Been a week or so since I left anything here… and school will be starting soon

This is the last week of my internship with the bank and hopefully not the last of my foray into the world of corporate finance. Time really flies huh

Past week
The past week or so have been rather packed. Went out with Angela on Sunday, had a meeting for the constituent youth group which I am helping out at, met Chee Wee, Adrian and Han Wei for supper (gosh… I am really getting fat)

Today
Just got back from an Impresario gathering from the Settler’s café over at Holland V (Monica, Chen xi, Chu Lei, Mei Lin, Derrick, Steve and cheryl came) and it was not bad to just sit back and enjoy the mindless games (we played some animal sound game and Zombies).

That pea you see there is Chu Lei (girl in purple) in our game of Zombie

Tried redeeming myself from all the late night suppers by going out for a run in the afternoon but five minutes into my run it started pouring… finally got my run in the early evening just before the gathering but even then it was threatening to rain again.

According to Adrian:

Fortune of dogs in the year of the dogs
General
Things may not go smoothly for those who are born in the year of the Dog. Obstacles and setbacks are common, always be extra careful in doing things, and advanced gradually and entrench oneself at every step. Always proceed with caution this year, and try not to act rashly and recklessly. And keep in mind not to be a busybody. For those who have dealings with illegal transactions, it's definetely time to quit, better put a stop in all these now than to face prosecution from the lawsuit later. Moreover, be more careful with your words in order to avoid unnecessary arguments. In short, this may not be a good year for you, but do not worry. Careful management and optimism should see you through this hard period.

Wealth
Wealth is on the unpredictable side. Therefore, be extra careful in handling all financial matters and avoid delaying the repayment of the loan. Bear that in mind, or things can get out of hand for you. You may even get implicated in serious court affairs. Chances of gaining windfall are bad. Never gamble or push your luck too far or you may even end up with losses instead.

Love
Love life for this year is full of wonderful romance, but this may not be as pleasant a year for you as what you have expected. Romance can be stormy. Learn to handle things with care to prevent troubles from setting in. For those of you who are singles, you are in danger of attracting the wrong person, and those who play with your feelings. Make your choice wisely.

Health
Health is relatively good. However, you will tend to indulge in alcohol and love affairs. Hence, control yourself and do not turn a deaf ear towards advice. If you insist on going your own way, you will definetely cause damage to your health. Besides that, be careful when doing things to avoid being injured accidentally.

hmmm... so for a consolation, there is still love? Not as if I am gonna believe in any of it. Haha

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Monday, January 02, 2006

A brand new year and along with it - new goals, new resolutions and new people

Year 2005 was not too bad and I am sure 2006 will be a better year (let’s all put the negative mentality aside! It’s only the second day of the New Year… the bitching can come later)

Week leading up to the New Year
The past week has been kinda slow in the office with most of the staff on leave.

I am more or less done with my assigned work and has just been helping out on miscellaneous stuff in the office and hmm I seriously wonder if I will get to be involved in anything significant in my last two weeks.

Actually had a two hour lunch/ shopping break on Friday and pre New Year drinks on Thursday at The Loof on one of the senior analyst’s recommendation

Located at Odeon Towers across Raffles Shopping Centre, The Loof is a pretty nice place to just sit down and chill and I have already been there twice in the past week and will likely be there again this week to meet up with Brenda, Ann and Jasper to catch up.

So much for my resolution to lead a more frugal lifestyle… (I have spent so much that I do not even want to think about it…)

New Year Eve
New Year eve was spent at Clarke Quay after it became apparent that there just wasn’t going to be any standing space at the durian structure we have come to know as the esplanade and it would have been so much more enjoyable if Singapore wasn’t so humid…

Only reached home at six in the morning because it appears that everyone was in town and there wasn’t enough taxis to go around (surprised, aren’t you?)

It really is pathetic to think that there are only so many places to go in Singapore and even less so if you are on public transport and taxis…

Some thoughts that I had after talking to one of my friends
You are always master of your destiny (sounds so cliché)
One should look forward and when fallen should always be able to pick oneself up and move on…

Think not of the things that have passed or have no conclusion but of the things that you still can have say and shape

Friends will always be there to encourage and support you but there is only so much that they can do. The hands on the clock will still tick and the world will still go on and should you wallow in the past, the world will pass you by…

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